I Surrender All

Man have I learned a lot since the last time I wrote on here.  This year has been the hardest year of my life.  I have lost so much (cheerleading, friends, family, relationships), yet I feel like I have gained so much.  I know this may not make sense, so I will do my best to explain it.  You see, throughout this entire year, there have many so many things just taken from me.  All of these things, I loved with all my heart.  But that was the problem I guess.  I relied on those things and those people to help me through the day.  My entire world revolved around cheer, friends, family and my relationship.  I poured so much into them.  I loved doing my best to make sure that I was doing my part as cheer captain.  I loved making sure my friends were happy and being there for them.  I loved spending time with my family and knowing what was going on in their lives.  I loved making sure that my relationship was steady and that he was always taken care of.  I loved all of these things so much that I forgot about me.  And the thing is that I knew that I forgot about myself. However, I didn’t care.  As long as those I loved were happy, then I could do without.  My mom always told me to make sure that I am taking care of myself.  I thought I was.  I figured I was doing everything right, but then slowly, all of these things that I loved, started slipping away and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I had always been able to fix things, but this year my efforts to fix everything seemed to be in vain.  I lost control of everything: my friends, family, relationship, and cheer.  It all spun out of control.  The final straw was when I lost my relationship.  I was completely broken.  I have never been so crushed, betrayed, or hopeless.  It was like the entire world was against me and I couldn’t seem to catch a break.  Everything appeared to be working out for everyone around me, which made things even worse.  I felt so alone.  I had a few friends that stood by my side, and I am so grateful for them. However, they could only sympathize.  They couldn’t take away my pain, and they couldn’t feel my pain either.  I remember being in my dorm room alone one morning.  I was crying harder than I ever have.  I pulled out my Bible and journal and tried to write to let out some of the pain.  As I began to write, the pain did not subside.  It stayed there, eating away at my heart.  Out of frustration and complete despair, I threw my journal to the side and fell to my face on the floor.  I just laid there sobbing and sprawled out on the floor.  I felt so helpless and pathetic, but there was nothing I could do.  It was at this moment that my life completely changed.  

While I was lying there completely broken, I cried out to God.  I told Him that I could not take it anymore.  I told Him that I could no longer handle the pain and loneliness and the heaviness of my heart and that there was nothing else I could do.  I had tried it all, and nothing worked.  I laid there for 20 minutes until I calmed down and my crying turned into quiet sniffles.  My breathing slowed back down, and I felt a peace flood over me.  I was going to be ok.  The pain was still there; however, it was no longer what I was focused on.  I was concentrated on the peace that passed my understanding.  How could I feel so calm in a moment like this?  Nothing had changed, or so I thought.  It was at this time that I completely and 100% surrendered to God.  He had been quietly waiting for me to stop trying to do things on my own and to let Him take control.  He was not going to force me to give Him my heart, but He wanted it.  I wouldn’t say that this is my point of salvation because my relationship with God had been very real since I was a child. However, this is the point when my relationship with God took a turn for the better.

 I was trying so hard to be perfect for Him when He already saw me as beautiful through the blood of Jesus.  I did not have to do anything more than simply give Him all of my heart.

 I had given Him the good and some of the bad parts of my heart, yet I tried to keep the ugly hidden.  I had been working so long to be the perfect girl for my friends and family and even God.  I was working on trying to clean up the ugly part of my heart so I could let Him in that part as well.  But I realized that He wants all of me, even the ugly part.  I had always struggled with not feeling good enough, and I realized that I had let the struggle affect my relationship with Him.  I was trying so hard to be perfect for Him when He already saw me as beautiful through the blood of Jesus.  I did not have to do anything more than simply give Him all of my heart.  So I went ahead and let Him in all of it.  I am not saying that I am perfect.  I still make mistakes, but I am learning and I am allowing Him to clean up my heart and take care of it. And He is doing a much better job than I was.  I was telling my good friend about what I was learning about, and she and I talking about letting God take the wheel of our lives.  Some people may not struggle with giving up control or allowing God take to drive, and those people can sit in the passenger seat.  But there might be some who struggle with that (just like my friend and I) and they may need to get in the backseat and let God do the driving.  He knows where my destination is, even when I don’t. God knows what my future holds, so why not allow Him to lead?  Surrendering is a big word that sounds so scary, but it really just means that you allow God in every area of your life and let Him do His work.  There is no use in trying to hide the bad and the ugly.  He already knows, He just wants you to let Him in.  He just wants to be your best friend.  Just like you tell your best friend everything that you do, whether it is good or bad, you can tell Him too.  Learning to make God my best friend is the best lesson that I have learned.  And I thank God for allowing me to go through everything that I did this year because I would not be where I am today without those hard times.